So you only came into my life over the last few weeks and you and your family have had such an impact on me. I feel like i have known you forever and i miss when i dont hear from you in a few days.

I know your life is extremely difficult just now but you really dont have to deal with it on your own. You have been let down a lot in the past but im really not like everyone else, and yes everyone says that, but truly i would do anything to make sure that you and your family are alright.

It hurt when i seen the picture with you and that girl but i cant stop you from doing things with your life, i wouldnt ever expect you not to be with anyone because you dont want to be with me and i understand that really you just want to mess about until you go away.

Its kinda weird, but im looking forward to writing you letters so that i can be honest without worrying what you are going to think about me because really i cant tell your reaction anyway.

Maybe we werent meant to be but really you didnt have to lead me on.

There are many things in life that we dont have any control over, such as the weather. We may wish and pray for snow or sunshine but really it doesn’t matter what we do, that decision is already made for us and we just have to accept it and take the day as it comes. That’s not the only thing that we have no control over.

We have no control over when our loved ones need to leave us. We have to just deal with it as best as we can. I used to be selfish and beg them to try and hold on for me because I didnt know what I would do without them but this time its different. It’s not that i dont want her to be on earth any more its just, i know that she has never been 100% happy since he has gone.

She wants to be with him and who am I to deny her of that right? She has been strong for all of us for 12 years and now maybe this is her time to greive and go get the man that she chose to marry after such a short period of time.

I dont know how i will react when she is gone, well i do. I will be distraught and i wont know how to deal with it, i will cry more tears than i have ever cried before, but this time i wont be angry or bitter. I think this time i will be more accepting.

Its not a definite that you are going, but i refuse to cling on to any sort of positivity just in case it does end up bad news.

I just wanted to let you know that i love you and if you have to go. Please just make sure that i get to say goodbye first.

Ever since the final goodbye i just cant accept it. I cant accept that you are gone. I cant accept that i will never see your smiling face when i walk out my door or come and joke about you walking about in the same leggings as me. You were only supposed to be a neighbour, but you turned into family. You where there at my birth and now youre not here. Not at all.

Ill never forget you. You with your red fleece on that matched your rosy cheeks and that big big smile that was always etched on your face. I wish i got to see you one last time before you ended up in that box! It was so small. I couldnt believe it was you inside.

I have nobody to talk to about this. I dont know what to say to anyone. Im tryin to be brave for my mum acting like everythin is normal but deep down im totally petrified. You went into hospital for a check up and you never came home. You never got to say goodbye. I now realise how short life and how quickly peoples lives can dramatically change.

I just wish it was different. A whole lot different.
I wish i sang to you one last time.
I wish i did a lot of things.

But right now i need to just appreciate everyone around me, this is the only positive i can take out of this. I never got to tell you but i love you.

Thanks for being you and nobody else.
i will never forget you or your husband or the goldfish!

RestInPeace

Fed up with pretending to be Okay.
I want to be fine again.

So today im trying to perk myself up. By myself. Without anyone. Just me. I used to be able to sit in the house myself and not feel the slightest bit lonely, but lately ive not been able to do that. So today, im beginnin to try take charge of my life again.

Sitting with happy songs on, or songs with a hidden feel good meaning in them is really helping me. It kinda feels like im writing a soundtrack to my break up but im okay with it if it helps me get through it.

There came a point when i realised that i wasnt alone. That i have everyone around me and you only made me slightly into the person that im becoming or want to be. I will never lose a place for you and you know that.

I heard that you thought you fucked everything up. You didnt, you just hurt me. Wish you felt comfortable enough to come to me about it. Not to get back together, but i explained how i was feeling to you, so i just wish you could feel you could do the same.

But just now, while you concentrate on yourself im doing the same. Concentrating on me. Nobody else, for once in my life im going to be selfish. Im going to laugh like i have never laughed before, dance like nobody is watching, sing like EVERYONE is listening and make sure i have a good time.

Its defos not going to be easy, but nothing in life is.

Life Goes On.
Have no regrets.

the hardest thing i have learned in life is crying and hurting over someone who doesnt seem to care.

thinking that talking to you would have made everything better is wrong because we are still not what we where but its made it easier at least there is contact at least i can tell you things and not be awkward about coming to get my stuff. Jokes and memories have been made and raised but really all i want now is for it to be over. The waiting, i mean.

All day i have been fine, even managed to properlly laugh until i heard that song. The song that made me fall head over heels for you. When we where lying on your couch and you just sang. With your eyes closed to me. Just out loud. Not caring who could see or if anyone was listening. It was just us. Wrapped up in our own little carefree world, and now i cant stop listening to it.

I can feel the tears pricking in my eyes and i can feel the lump in my throat getting tighter. The words are now more meaningful than before

Let me tell you that i love you, and i think about you all the time.

Because honestly thats all i do. I miss you. I miss everything about us.
I hope we just get it back.
I love you

There are a million things rushing round my head and lots of different people tellin me what to do. None of them are what i want to do.

I want to talk to you but i have been advised against it, leave it this long, dont talk to him this week, dont you call or text him first make him do the running but i know thats not going to happen.

I know that in the end of this all i am going to be the one left alone and wondering what if. What if i hadnt stayed all the time would we still be together? What if you had never met her? What if i never let you phone your dad, what would your excuse be then?

All i can sit and do is cry and i know that you are getting on with your life when i just cant. I cant deal with not knowing what brought it on so out of the blue, i wasnt the only one who was shocked. Yet im left with all the hurt and saddness that i never ever thought could ever be possible.

All i want is for you to turn round and tell me that you where wrong. That being away from me doesnt change anything, that you want me back and you are sorry that i ever ever needed to go through all of this.

But this is not a Disney story. This is real life and for some strange reason we have it in our minds that life is meant to be, but nobody ever told us it would be.

Nobody ever promised that things would work out the way that we wanted them to so why do we become so upset or angry when it doesnt work out with our plan?

I just hope that this pain goes away because i cant handle it. I cant handle feelin like part of me is missing. I just want you to know this.

But i know you never will.

Do you ever question if you are good enough for somebody or something?

I do.
Everyday.

I feel that sometimes no matter how hard i try i will never deserve you or a moment of your time nevermind to call you mine. I feel that no matter how hard i try to look pretty i know there will always still be someone who is a hell of a lot more gorgeous or cute or sexy, but all i can do is my best.
I try be exciting, funny and easy going but really im a jacked up paranoid freak of nature who takes everything to heart, and its just not someting i can change no easily anyway.
There is no way of me being any better than what i am and that is for the sheer fact of, i have been practicing being me for 18 years and sometimes i still get that bit wrong.

I wish i was perfect or what people would define as beautiful, but im just not. No matter how little i eat or how many times i laugh, i will never be that person.
Things used to be different, im just hoping you havent got bored already.

What im really trying to say is, I care far too much about other peoples opinion of me even although i act like i dont care.

i met you in primary school so it will probs have been something silly like omg she is amazing she has the coolest flashy shoes ever :P so to be honest i cant really remember, but im sure it was something nice anyway :)

Ask me anything