Ive had enough and ive cried mega tonight because my life is not hunky dory. my life is far from perfect and everyone close to me seems to be drifting or in some way being taken away from me and to be honest i cant deal with it on my own any more.
I am the listener the counsellor the mother figure the mug which ever way you put it im the one who helps everyone out when they need something. Not caring if it means im up til all hours trying to come up with a way to make sure that they are happy and smiling again or having to get one of my family members to pick someone up because i cant do it myself yet. Just due to the fact that i couldnt see anyone i know or care about do without.
So what happens when i just need a pick me up?
Only a select few are there for me and it always seems to be the same people. The same people who look at me with tears streaming down my face look at me at my most vulnerable state and try to help. For them i am thankful and i will always need to find a way of repaying them.
But i am slowly realising who my true friends are. Who actually care and who dont give a fuck, and let me tell you something it hurts.
I write things on this for nobody but myself. So if you read it you are reading things that effect me and things that i am feeling. It is not my fault that you dont like it. It is not my fault that you find it depressing and it is not my fault that you are too wrapped up in your own little life to ask me what is wrong.
Just now i am going through shit. A lot of shit. With my mum, friends, work and money. I feel like i am never going to escape this negative spiral. EVER.
My mum is not well, near enough everyone who is close to me knows this. However nobody knows to the extent of how ill she actually is. Nobody is to blame for them not knowing because i dont talk about it. I dont even talk to my family about it. I dont know how to approach the subject. I try, but i just end up making a joke about it because i dont want to deal with the situation at hand. Today i seen my mum and i cried. She hasnt eaten in a week yet was able to be sick for a full 12 hours. She cant move her head without wearing a neck brace and she is in constant agony when she sits up, hence the reason she is always lying on the couch. Its of no use to her because lying there 24/7 causes depression as she only sees us and the same 4 walls. The only place my mum goes is the doctors, nowhere else. At 41 years old, that is no life. It isnt a life for any age but when i look at my mum and remember that she used to be life and soul of the party it breaks my heart into a million tiny pieces but there is nothing i can do to help, not one little thing. Nobody can. So sitting there and knowing that makes the situation worse, but i cant talk to anyone because nobody will ever truly understand how i feel and all that frustration that im feeling has nobody else to blame but myself.
My friends aka framily, where the only people who could help me fully escape, we would laugh and do the most stupid things together, but that was the thing. We where always together. Now we only see each other at work, or on the off chance that we bump into one another. It hurts cause some of them i dont know any more and i seem to be alright with it. I miss them but im not going to make the effort any more, i guess until they come to me i am no longer going to be the puppet on the string being used when they are bored and wanna do something. I just cant be that person any more. I hate how everything has become so bitter nasty and awkward. That was never our way, but i guess everyone else was right when you leave school everyone forgets who they are and where they came from. I hope im still the same, and if im not i honestly think ive changed for the better.
I owe people so much money and no matter how many hours i work i never feel like im getting anywhere with the repayments. Its like im permenantly going to be stuck in debt and im only 18. Its a horrid feeling. I used to be so indepenedant but now i feel like im going in the opposite direction. Im going to sort myself out.
I guess this post was basically trying to get out how i feel. Try to contextualise why i may come across as being depressing. To show that actually the person that people see out in the street is more often than not a fake caitlin, but the only caitlin i am willing anyone else to see. I’m sorry i dont trust you enough to let you see me. Im sorry that you are as openminded as i need you to be before i can tell you anything. Im sorry that you are far tooo judemental for me to even consider thinking of telling you anything, but its not my fault.
It was also to say thank you for the people who stuck around. Im anything but perfect. Im a dick. I make mistakes. I can look a mess. I can be the happiest person you have ever met. I can also be the saddest.
But thank you for letting me be me.
Thank you for allowing me to do the things i need to do in life before i know what path is the right one to take.
Thanks for not putting me on a platform because my life is far too stressful for any more pressure.
I promise i will always do my best by you.
Its the only thing i know how to do right.
